Rae Rose

We hit a “Awwwww, crap” moment in my treatment as I change medications. Hypomania. It took me awhile to notice because I’m bipolar 1 — we go MANIC. If I saw zebras rollerskating in the kitchen or people made of paint falling from the ceiling? Yeah, I’d catch that right away. But hypomania, “under mania” or “less than mania” for me? I just have a lot of great ideas, I’m able to get all chores done, redecorate the house in half an hour. Sounds great, right? It also comes with an insomnia I can barely describe. All I know is at one point at 4 AM my mind felt like it was a wild fire — I had ideas for all sorts of things — but my body felt drugged. My blood somehow felt slow. By 7 AM I was watching my baby by myself and I was in tears. Every one of her cries damaged me somehow. Things that normally wouldn’t bother me were very difficult to live through. I knew she wasn’t in any danger, I knew I could hang on, but the best thing I did was:

1. Have help! I invited my parents over. My mom got to have Grandma time while I found a way to sleep. I don’t think it was obvious how difficult things were for me so I’m glad they know when to take me seriously.
2. I called my psychiatrist. For the second day in the row. I’m not going to lie, he didn’t seem to be excited to hear from me again — but, he did his job and we recalculated my meds for tonight and I’m hopeful.
3. I told my extended family. I sent a text two my two brothers and my brother’s girlfriend (who is amazing with this stuff.) I just said, hey, I have hypomania, just checking in. Now they are on alert and if I call in the middle of the night to ask if they want to buy an Amish heater with me, they know to come over.
4. Yeah, I did that one time.
5. I gave my husband my credit cards. I’m ALL CASH, baby! Although I haven’t lost my head and started buying things, I can tell that is brewing. I was walking next to a vintage store with my dad, saw a horrible succulent pot that looked like the kind of dog my mom likes and I said, “OH I have to buy this for mom right now! RIGHT? Wouldn’t she LOVE it? I have to get it NOW.” My dad said, “You’re manic.” Yep.
6. Stop acting on big ideas. I can write them out if I need to, but I can not act on any of them. My doctor said, “You’ve been on this medication since you were 18 and you’re 35. There is going to be an adjustment period. Be kind to yourself.”
7. All together now? I’m being kind to myself. Doing the bare minimum, eating really well, drinking lots of water, following my doctor’s advice. I’m looking forward to feeling better. Thanks, guys. If you find yourself in this situation, drop me a line for ideas raeroselarklboom@gmail.com.

💋

For January, I wanted to make my home more of a home by using photographs of my family.

I found that printing my own pictures and putting them up with washi tape makes me verrrry happy. Here are some of my favorite spots:

I love a big frame!!!!! Always on the lookout for these beauties. A frame within a frame is so sweet.

Gamini Ratnavira is the artist of this painting on the top. I gave it to my wonderful husband for his birthday — a pair of hummingbirds. ♥️ So sweet. Check out his new gallery! The circular picture of a hummingbird moth was a Christmas ornament that looked so pretty on the wall.

Added some thistle to the above frame, and added lighting to this one:

This top frame (below this paragraph) actually goes in my daughter’s room, but we are painting that room. For people who don’t know my story, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 18 and was told I’d never have children. At 27 I had a stroke and brain surgery and had to relearn how to walk and talk and swallow. I met Lynda Barry before my traumatic brain injury so I have no excuse for what a freaking mess I was, sobbing in front of her. I gave her some of my work with an SASE and heard back from her. She drew these two — if you don’t recognize them you’re living your life incorrectly! — reading a book that says DRAW ANY WAY. This would mean even more to me when I had to relearn how to write the alphabet. I will be forever grateful for her kindness, her work and her classes. Some day I want to take one! That would be a dream come true! I included pics of Elro and a framed invitation to my wedding. My place is totally feeling more like a home now so I deem my January goal successful!

Elro’s favorite non-handmade book is Llama Llama Valentine so I thought it would be cool to send out cards to our loved ones. I even had her fave llama doll at the ready but this picture is so sweet and as my friend said she looks like she’s puckering up for a kiss! That huge bow (in flamingo) is from Ellie & Coco Boutique. Use the code Rae10 for 10 percent discount!

1. Used my cannon printer. I love it! 2. I tried to include Elro in everything that was safe to do. For example, going through big pieces of felt from Benzie Design was new to her and she loved it. 3. I cut a heart out of felt and made a tassel. 4. I hot glued the tassel on and added the felt heart right on top of it. I glued her picture on the paper and wrote a little note. Simple, inexpensive and full of love.

Yay! Happy crafting and loving!

I am in the midst of changing my meds. The seroquel I’ve been taking in part for insomnia stopped working! I’ve been taking it for 17 years so maybe that’s why! It’s scary to change your meds but I trust my psychiatrist and I’m hopeful that finding something that will allow me to sleep will make me a happier mother.

1. Journal your moods. Rank your anxiety and pain on a 1-10 or 1-5 scale. Come prepared with a list of the pertinent things that have been bothering you. Rate your sleep.
2. Write down every medication, the mg and when you take it. 
3. A mood/food journal may be helpful. If it applies your menstruation dates would be helpful.
4. Bring an advocate. I find it important to bring someone with me for a big appointment when I know we will be discussing changing my medication. I am so glad I brought my husband with me the last time I went. There were so many things to discuss and I was running on very little sleep that he ended up writing out the medication schedule for me. I’ve never needed that much help but I just couldn’t concentrate.
5. Treat yourself super gently. It’s not always easy to talk about our issues. Have a mocktail with your nightly meds the night before. Get a treat after the appointment.
6. Take notes or have your advocate take notes.
7. Have the name and phone number of your pharmacy and your primary doctor.
8. Try to remember that even though your meds might not be working for you now, this is the best time in history to have bipolar disorder because of how many meds are available! Keep trying to get that perfect combo of meds that works for you and your life.

Elro has finally started to like read! Yay! I’ve noticed her favorite books are board books at the moment. I bought blank board books — but you can easily repurpose an old one! — for Elro. Today I was outside with her and I showed her an empty snail shell to look at. She popped it into her mouth and bit in half. 😂

After I retrieved it I realized that those are the kind of memories I’d like to record —she just turned 9 months old. So, my first book is called Elro at 9 months old.

I printed out photos and used a glue stick to adhere them to the page. The writing is on the pictures. I used A Beautiful Mess’ original app.

Here are some examples:

The last page has some handwritten notes that go into detail about what she’s into.

And I couldn’t resist a little note on the back:

I’m so excited to hand this to her after her nap and read it with her. 💕

I’m trying to bring my photos into my home and into my life so I can enjoy them. My husband photographs nature so we plan on putting a lot of his work up, and I’m getting into book binding to make my own photo albums, so it made sense for our family to buy a canon craft printer.

I’m using this vintage frame to highlight some recent photos, but I’m going to mix it up and put life-before-Elro pics as well. I also added another vintage frame for some texture. The tape is washi tape so it’s not a commitment and we can switch the photos anytime we’d like! The flower is a flower from Matt that I pressed in a book when we were dating and I found it last night. So pretty and sweet!

This technique is alllll Kara Whitten’s from her awesome post on A Beautiful Mess.

I feel like my photos get stuck on my phone to die. I’d like to revive them and incorporate them into my life! They make me happy. I love this faux latchhook because it’s fast and I love making tassels and usually have plenty just sitting in piles waiting to be used. The blue/silver/blush tassels were made in the hospital 9 months ago when Elro had just been born and was in the NICU. This picture was taken when she was less than a month old. I was filled with so much love and happiness. The yarn gives me the feels, too, because I felt wrapped in something so sweet and soft and, well, holy.

1. I used the bottom of a wooden birdcage and glued the picture in the center. 2. I glued on tassels. I call the top of the tassel the head and the bottom of the tassels the skirt. I glued each head of the tassel 3. right next the other head of the tassel. 4. Then I flipped over the skirt over the head — making it look like a latchhook.

5- 7. I filled in the wood with tassel after tassel until 8. it felt full and soft and lovely to me.

Then all I had to do was make sure Elro liked it. She’s super into yarn and pictures of herself, so it was a slam dunk.

1. Why can’t MY body sleep the way everyone else is sleeping right now? Shouldn’t my body have learned to do this very basic thing?

2. Okay, it’s 2:30. Definitely can’t fall back asleep — more seroquel? Benadryl chaser? Will I fall back asleep or will I be drugged?

3. If I don’t fall back asleep, how will I take care of my daughter tomorrow?

4. Cbd oil? Why isn’t there an easy way back to sleep? How do I never know what to do? I hate my body.

5. No matter how great my life is, insomnia makes me feel like I’m falling through it and am not on steady ground. It’s the feeling of slipping in the shower over and over again while hoping that your life stays intact.

When anxiety started to hit me hard recently and I realized I was actually starting to have an anxiety attack, I also realized the way I have been setting up my life REALLY helped me prepare for it. This makes me understand that I’m in a good place.

When I was in my 20s, for example, an anxiety attack meant falling down in a heap, being rescued by someone and the next day having my ribs hurt from all the heavy breathing. This time, at 35 years old, I had the following in place:

*The number of my go-to friend to call about mental illness. Yes, it’s the same number I’ve been calling for years, but I was able to talk to my friend and get quick, no nonsense advice.

*My husband made an appointment with my psychiatrist. That was a luxury. Usually it would be me calling and freaking out every time I heard a ring. He did it as a favor for me and knowing that he was doing that made me really relax.

*I had all the tools available to have a (slow) productive day.                                                      List Of Tools: I had a 32 ounce bottle of water to make sure I was drinking enough.

All of Elro’s stuff was in its place so it was easy to change her, change her clothes, make her bottles. I had organized my clothes and fabric, so it was easy to get out a box of fabric for scarves I’m going to make and just look at them. Aromatherapy & fresh flowers!    

Most importantly, I have medication! It’s all in a lock box and it’s all labeled (because it drove my husband crazy that I had empty bottles in it!) which made it really easy to approach, even in a crazy head space. I used the Instacart app to purchase food so I can make dinner tonight. This feels much healthier and much saner than when I was in my 20s. When I was pregnant I was terrified of having an anxiety attack when I had a baby to take care of — but she actually helps me stay present and calms me down. Wasn’t expecting that but I’m very grateful.

Playing with Puppy helped, too!

This makes me realize that these things are important:    Keep your place organized! Keep your medications filled and labeled. Keep all of your baby supplies in stock — clothes, food, diapers. Depend on friends and family to do the stuff that feels way too difficult. Drink water! Don’t despair! Be proud of yourself for handling the anxiety, not mad at yourself for experiencing it to begin with. Love, Rae