Rae Rose

Illustrated by Romane Fontaine-Pasquali. While pursuing a degree in social work , Romane Fontaine-Pasquali uses her artwork to explore her mental health journey.

I spoke to a woman who was just diagnosed bipolar and doesn’t quite feel like herself yet. I get it. It took me years to end up with the cocktail I have and the last med change was scary because I take care of my daughter during the day and I didn’t feel “right.”

Here’s my advice to people just diagnosed! I also wrote a book on the subject.

1. It’s tough, what you are doing. It can be taxing and problematic so be very kind to yourself.

2. Take a lot of notes! A food/mood journal. Take control of this disease and write down what’s working and what’s not. Become an expert of yourself and your feelings.

3. Always ask for signs to look for. If your doctor prescribes lamictal, for example, she should tell you to look out for a rash.

4. If you’re a woman keep track of your menstrual cycle and see if you find any patterns in your mood related to your period.

5. Stay active.

6. Take a friend to doctor offices if you are unable to take notes.

7. Know that eventually you will get the right cocktail for your mind.

8. Get some child care if possible — even if it’s for a small chunk of time for some “me time.”

9. Join a support group online or irl. I love my support group — I never feel alone.

10. Keep working to improve yourself so you’re not constantly thinking about your meds. Get into podcasts or crafts or podcasts about crafts. You are a person with lots of things that bring you joy, not just a person with bipolar disorder.

This goes to…

11. Make a routine for yourself and make medication time special so it’s not something you dread or forget.

Recently I was at a party and a friend of mine asked me how I was. I told her I was anxious, because I have an anxiety disorder, and she looked at me with zero understanding and asked if I had read the book she recommended.

One read of any book is not going to cure my anxiety. It’s dangerous to believe it could. Today I will see my psychiatrist and hopefully he’ll have some ideas for my next bold move.

for baby

I stitch a toy beetle out of felt, hoping you’ll fall in love with the wind and trees.

for husband

I take care of you like a bee in a hive, my arms moving and moving. No more searching, ecstatic to make you soup.

for two brothers

We don’t talk or we talk, discuss 8 year old injustice as June bugs smash their skulls in.

for my Aunt Diane

If I needed a bolt of fabric to hold on to this life’s beauty, you’d fetch it for me. You line up pins and doorways until I believe again.

It’s #mentalhealthmonth so I’m using this #throwbackthursday to tell you how it felt to become a mom with bipolar disorder. I could not believe my luck. I had a medicated pregnancy and then I had a healthy baby girl. I would take a thousand selfies of us together — partly because of how amazed I was that this was happening, but mostly because it looked so different than I thought it would. “Bipolar” is a scary word and I had been told most of my adult life I might kill my baby if I had one. I had a lot to unlearn. I still do. These selfies will always mean so much to me. ❤️

I was going to entitle this article don’t say this to people with mental illnesses, but it goes for every disorder — for every PERSON. These are all statements people have said to me. Please don’t say them to anyone. ❤

Don’t say this:

It’s selfish to feel the way you’re feeling.

You seem to always have a problem.

You ruined Christmas (or the weekend or the moment or WHATEVER)

You seem manic/depressed to me.

Aren’t you over this yet?

You’ll outgrow this. 

Don’t have children — your books can be your children.

Your problems aren’t real problems.

Oh, I get depressed all the time and it’s kinda annoying.

Please let me know what you’d add to this list!

Rae

It was Elro’s first birthday, Passover AND Easter. We had so much fun. I switched one medication to another medication (benzos) and developed a rash so I had to switch back. It was a weird, painful, rash — it felt like I was being rained on constantly. That was my only “symptom” as a person with bipolar disorder during the holidays, other than a bit of anxiety, which means the meds I’m on are working well together and I am deeply grateful for that because I get moments like these. They are worth fighting for. First ladybug, first birthday…the unicorn cookies are from Azucar in Ocean Beach and I served them for my baby shower.

I’m a firm believer in routine, and I just changed mine up when it comes to when and how I take my pills. 

Morning: I used to forget my morning pills because I’d jump out of bed to take care of my baby. One of the first things I do every morning is have iced green tea. Before I take my first sip I now go back to my room, unlock my lock box filled will pills and take my morning dosage. I haven’t forgotten to take them  in weeks and it starts the day off on a good — properly medicated! — foot.

Night: I used to hate taking my pills when I was on seroquel because I hated that can’t -breathe feeling. It’s easier now but I still have to pamper myself or negativity seeps in. (You know, the why-do-I-have-to-take-this, why-is-sleep-so-difficult-for-me, waa-waa-waa!)  I wait until it’s time to get in my favorite pajamas, then I drink a mocktail (usually mint lemonade) in a pretty glass. It feels like a treat after my long day. I use a Monday through Sunday box (locked up, of course) so there is very little to think about. My mom calls my lock box “Rae’s Pink Pharmacy.”

Using special drinks at special times has really helped my routine. If you have any routines for taking your pills, please let me know!

Here are some pictures of my daughter in our garden!

I’m so happy to report that my medication change was a success. I am now sleeping through the night without feeling like I’m suffocating. It’s kind of a miracle. Other miracles right now?

Painting by Gamani Ratnavira.

♥️

Rae

1. I’m an “older” mom (I mean, I guess! I was only 34) and they wanted to do the non-invasive prenatal test (NIPT).My husband said yes because — and only because — the doctor mentioned it and we’d find out the gender verysoon. I was taken aback at how uncomfortable it made me. I’m prochoice, but they wanted to take a disabled person’s blood to make sure that the baby inside the disabled person’s body was not disabled. If they were disabled there would be talk of “what to do” and “choices.” What do we do about this baby? You would never ask that about a typical baby. You wouldn’t even joke if you still wanted to keep it, but if it was a disabled baby its life was up for debate. You can’t test for bipolar disorder —but what if you could? My mom lost her first baby from amniocentesis. When I asked her about it recently she said, “Not everyone wants a disabled child.” They didn’t try the amniocentesis with me — and I’m disabled. If she knew — would she have kept me? She’s a disability activist now, but that’s because of me. The weirdest part was no one else felt this way. No one understood my hesitation. I ultimately had the test so if there was a problem we could address it after birth — but not to end the pregnancy.

2.When I went to the ER very late at night for bleeding and cramping at 17 weeks, I figured we’d be waiting awhile. Nnnnnope. People love unborn babies! I cut a bunch of people in line. Once, 18 and suicidal, I was turned away from the ER because, as the nurse told me, “there are actual sick people here.” My mom was enraged. I remember her yelling, “She IS sick, you’re not going to help her?” She’s an advocate and loves and respects my advocacy… but I still can’t get that sentence out of my head: “Not everyone wants a disabled child.”

3.In my pregnancy I developed spd. I became temporarily physically disabled and used a walker. The worst night was when we drove to labor and delivery and as soon as they heard I was bipolar, they would not treat my pain with oxycodone as my doctor prescribed. My husband said, they think you’re lying to get drugs! I told my doctor the next day, whose sister has bipolar disorder, and he was pissed. I’ve never been in so much pain and not believed by doctors.

4.Chronic pain is awful. I never really thought about what it might be like, but you can’t think, you can barely concentrate to read or write. It’s a nightmare. I would wake myself up screaming in pain. I was getting little sleep. Every nurse and doctor said, oh, that’s normal. I said yeah,but I’m bipolar — if I don’t sleep I’ll go crazy. At the end of pregnancy I got closed eye visuals. My OBGYN was not concerned. My psychiatrist was! Luckily I had my gorgeous daughter and was able to take painkillers as needed.

5.I chose to formula feed so that I could take new and higher doses of my medication to ward off any psychosis.. I was expecting to go crazy and had a support system. I never went crazy, and I was supported, but I got some heat about formula feeding from uneducated friends and family members. I wasn’t expecting it from the medical community. Time and time again I was told that breast is best – but having psychosis and a new baby at the same time spells trouble. My breast milk felt laced with poison. Once I was sitting under a sign that said a breast fed child will be smarter than bottle-fed baby. Then the nurse said,are you still on the following medications? Prozac?

Yes.

Lithium?

Yes.

Lamictal?

Yes.

Seroquel.

Yes.

Klonopin?

Yes.

Oxycodone?

Yes.

Are you breastfeeding?

unmm, nope.

If you are going to embark on a medicated pregnancy, keep these things in mind. Advocate for yourself. Don’t go on “typical” pregnancy sites because people there will tell you need a kale smoothie. Have a kale smoothie, that’s great, but you need more than kale or yoga or acupuncture. Set up a dream team of advocates that will be by your side and ready to fight for you. Your pregnancy doesn’t have to look like your friend Cynthia’s pregnancy. Find the love and joy in your own pregnancy and have back up plans for your back up plans.