Rae Rose

Yesterday I was too tired to do much with Elro. My sleep had been disturbed and I was feeling kinda crazy and overwhelmed. What I could do for her was draw her a bath, which she loves. So every time I drew her a bath I signed the word “bath.” Today I’m feeling great and much more capable. She grabbed my hand, took me to the bathroom and signed “bath” all by herself. I was so proud of her!!! Now she knows these signs: open, more & bath. I am so happy! Even though I had a tough day I was still able to take care of my daughter. I worried I wouldn’t be able to do that because sleep deprivation messes me up so bad!

I went to Balboa Park and was surprised at how much better I felt just walking around. The colors and creations took my mind off my intense worry and sadness. I wondered how I could add some of that color and creation into my daily life.

My brilliant mother-in-law brought cookies to frost. First you dip them into frosting, then sprinkles. I have postpartum depression so lately things have not felt pleasant and I have not felt present in day to day activities. This was different because it was crafty (always my ticket out of a bad mood) and someone else set it up for me. All I had to do was show up. I smiled, I laughed, it was everything. I have to think about finding other ways to show up to create more often. ❤️ Rae

Last night I got three hours of sleep. Max. I don’t know what other people do when that happens to them, but I know for me it’s a really big deal. I tell my support network, I call my doctor and I come up with a plan on how I can actually get sleep tonight.

It feels like a crisis because it so easily could turn into one. Sleep is my biggest bipolar trigger and a lack of it can quickly lead to an episode.

To top things off I tossed and turned which was not good for my pelvic disorder. I called my psychiatrist and I’m hoping she’ll have suggestions for tonight! I can’t take most medications for sleep because I’m pregnant so I have no idea what she’ll tell me.

The best part of having a garden is to see everything Elro is getting out of it. She loves carrots and strawberries because she gets them straight out of the earth. When she eats anything in the garden she says “nom nom nom” as she eats. I love having a garden available to her!

When I’m sad and overwhelmed I take pictures of my garden.

My med change is working. No more anxiety attacks! The problem is I’m having trouble sleeping. This is what I take each night:

10 mgs zyprexa, 150 mgs trazadone, 50 mgs lamictal, 100 mgs of Benadryl, 9 mgs of melatonin.

And I still can’t sleep!

I didn’t get any writing done today. I was so tired that taking care of a two year old was all that I was up to. But we did dig up the sweet potatoes and my daughter was super into it! Can’t wait to plant potatoes.

I spent a lot of time on Pinterest and a beautiful mess trying to figure out what advent calendar to make when I finally landed on stockings! So small and adorable. Add some lights and it’s extra cute. ❤️  I plan on putting notes in it that have a hiding spot of candy or activities we can do.

Part of my self care is sometimes getting my nails done.

When I woke up after brain surgery I felt all sports of weird.

I took some time off to successfully taper off of klonopin. I’ve been pretty anxious without it! I’m going back to being a person in love with comfort so I’ll be back making things soon!

xoxo

Rae